Sorry Not Sorry

Hello from the brinks of K-hell!

K-hell: a state of life in which one cannot eat whatever one pleases. This is what hell is like in my mind. And thanks to whizzie removal (wisdom teeth), I am in the depths of hell.

Anyways, the past few days I have done little aside from lay in bed and watch TV or sleep. So obviously I’ve had a lot of time to think and I hit a huge realization about myself.

I apologize far too often and too much.

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(I like to think that I look that cute while apologizing)

I’m not sure exactly why this is. Maybe it’s my hatred for confrontation. Maybe it’s my desire to not get fired from my internship. Or maybe it’s because I don’t want my professors to hate me. Whatever it is, I’ve come to see how utterly ridiculous is.

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I send an e-mail to a professor or my boss saying I won’t be in class or in the office because I’m sick, and then I sign it “Sorry for the inconvenience!” Uhm, what? If I’m saying sorry to anyone it should be myself because being sick sucks and it’s a huge inconvenience to me. This past week one of my professors sent out an e-mail saying that he had made a mistake on the syllabus and our paper that was due later in the week was actually on Chapter 4, not 3. Of course, with my luck, I get this e-mail as I’m writing the conclusion of the seven page paper. I e-mailed the professor letting him know that I had already finished the paper and asking him if he’d accept it or not. And then I signed it sorry! What the hell was I sorry for!? He’s the one who messed up! Seriously, I’m ridiculous.

I’m the first to apologize to the important people in my life just because I rather not have any negativity between us. But I’m pretty sure most of the time it’s not even my fault and I’m stretching to even find a reason to apologize. And yet I still do it. I apologize when I don’t respond to text messages within a couple hours. I say “Sorry, I was in class!” if I miss a phone call. But really, I’m not sorry. There’s nothing for me to be sorry for. I’m not sorry that I’m being responsible and sitting in class or at work and not answering my phone.

I know you all do this too, because you do it to me. And you know what? Don’t. Why do we need to constantly be apologizing for things like falling ill or being busy?! For speaking our minds or not agreeing with something? There are definitely times in life when you should apologize, but being yourself or being busy or sick are not on that list.

Why should we apologize for things that are completely out of our control? Why should we apologize for being ourselves? Answer: we shouldn’t.

I think, at least for me, a lot of this has to do with how sure I am of myself. Especially if I’m talking to people above me (professors, superiors at work) I will always apologize or allow them to pile more work on me and take it with a smile. But why? My dad always taught A and I to put our feet down and not let people take advantage of our kindness, and somewhere in the scary adult world, I lost hold of that lesson.

So I’m not sorry. And you shouldn’t be either.

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With love,

K

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